Just a fill in journal.
I am pretty new to this, so we shall see where it goes. I really don’t care if you “follow” me on here or what not. I am just mainly looking for a place to vent. If this is one of those places then so be it. If not then I am totally misunderstood. Haha. As for now I will just keep typing until I have accomplished typing down all my thoughts onto this website right here. So here I go!
My whole life is mainly based on screw-up situations, and I bet a lot of people out there can relate. But everyone is different. My story all starts from my father. Lets just call him “Mike”. Well Mike is a big deal to my life. I am always looking up to him in everywhere there is possible. Everything he says or does effects me in some way. Well he is one of those pot-heads/druggies that are into construction jobs because they didn’t go to college and go into a higher job. (Or however you want to put it) Anyway, Mike has this a effect on me that judges my own self. His attitude has reflected off him and bounced onto me. I am just like him, exactly. This is the main reason why I have depression problems, because I have convinced myself that my mind is playing tricks on me, that I have nothing better to offer then some lame unattractive person I am. I think very poorly of myself and I honestly wish I could have a little bit of faith every once in awhile.
I’m just going to skip back and forth now. I may not ever make sense but who cares, right?
Monday, January 11, 10: The day that I felt my world starting to crash into a billion of pieces. Yes, the love of my life broke up with me. He always said he’d be there for me and blah blah blah, all that other mushy talk that lovers say. I didn’t know where or who to turn to. I was at my friend Hillori’s house when this happened so at least she was there to comfort me a bit. A couple hours went by and I had to just give it another shot, I wanted to be with him, I love him. We talked and dealt with things and came to the conclusion that I have to change. Of course I am going to say yes. So I am feeling a little better and all. Then Tuesday comes along.
Tuesday, January 12, 10: My boyfriend had an early day of school that day and he has plans to hang out with his best friend. (She is a girl, and she is also my best friend too) Hours go by until I get a phone call from him. And all day long I am thinking to myself, “what if he changes his mind?!” Well he didn’t, he says he wants to be with me, so I have to believe him because I don’t want to lose him again. That day I found out some things. I found out that my boyfriend Matt and our best friend Bree have been talking about us together. I am sorry to say, but if your put in the middle of being best friends with your boyfriend/girlfriends best friend and then them talking about you two together and your relationship wouldn’t you feel a little bit betrayed..by both of them? That’s just me though.
Wednesday, January 13, 10: By now I am sick and I mean like throwing up kind of sick. Yet I still am thinking about how I can both tell them something and then both of them tell each other. I can’t trust them? I mean should I? There is no right for them to pick sides. Well Bree pretty much picked a side all together. Maybe not knowingly but she did. Having the thought of her whole myspace mainly say how much Matt means to her and how he is her hero. I mean cmon! I am a jealous person, she should fucking know that by now.. and to say stuff like that about my boyfriend I think is just going a little bit too far.
Thursday, January 14, 10: Still sick. That’s all I have to say about that. But this is where I come to my conclusion. I make myself a deal. I tell myself that I am not going to get involved unless she comes to me first. It’s time for Bree to do some share in this friendship of ours also. Don’t you think? But no, of course not. Typical me, I start to feel like it’s all my fault and I am spinning in circles. I am so fucking dramatic. I don’t know what to do at this point..once again.
Friday, January 15, 10: Yesterday I didn’t talk to Matt all day. He had his “bro” time. So not talking to him just made things worse. I just sat on the couch all day watching movies and starving myself. Every once in awhile I would pour some cold/flu medicine down my throat and pop some Tylenol PM so I could just sleep and not have to dwell on the stupid ass thoughts going on in my head.
Saturday, January 16, 10: Right now, this very second. It’s 9:25 PM and I am just totally blank. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to think, and mainly I don’t know why this is bothering me so much. I am a dramatic ass person that just asks for trouble or something. I don’t know. I am emotionless. I feel like just keeping everything inside from now on. Who is there to trust? Who is there to become friends with? Who should I love? What’s happening? Why am I rambling on about something you don’t even care to know about. Yet you’re probably thinking the same thing I am thinking about myself. I’m a lunatic. Like I said this is just to vent. Maybe some advice might be wanted but yet I might not take it either. Even if it’s the slightest thing like this, it still makes a difference to me.
Anyways like I said, I am new to this, so we’ll see where it takes me from here.
